INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
What?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Good morning y’all ☀️
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?