*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
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The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda