a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
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ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
honestly, i need both:
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.