I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”