Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
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Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.