i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
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I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this