Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
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Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.