What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
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Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
goldfish mafia
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.