Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
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*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar