Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
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*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.