My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“The Perfect Relationship”
🤣😂
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
The hardest thing Vision has to do
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…