I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
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3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.