*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
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Left at a local drug store…
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I feel it
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.