ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
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Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.