Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
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Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.