Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
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“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
#Caturday
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Just so funny
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.