@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Unexpected Judgment
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.