Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
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Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket