Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
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It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.