Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”