Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
You Might Also Like
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
May have had one breakfast too many
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
They did not miss in the small print
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’m aging like a fine banana
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee