Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
584.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…