Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
mariah carrie
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”