[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit