Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
You Might Also Like
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*