“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
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“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
the red hot silly peppers
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project