I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it