If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
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Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*