Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
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People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Cause of death: Zumba
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”