*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
This made me smile…
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!