God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
You Might Also Like
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more