Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
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A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
This squirrel eats better than I do
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?