If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?