You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
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dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Jokes on them. I took 10.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
The fall of Netflix
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone