Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.