My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
You Might Also Like
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
never compromise your values
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Don’t tell me what to do
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler