Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
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I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.