The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
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He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers