Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
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MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure