Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.