My last name is Zilla.
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler