there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.