Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???