I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist