Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Black Friday “markdowns” like
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent