ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
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I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
How dramatic are you?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
next level snooze
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.