Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
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Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
mentally somewhere in italy
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.