Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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I needed a laugh this morning.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.