Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn