I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
This could’ve been an email.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku